A pressing question

I spent yesterday afternoon with two different sets of people: some of the most wonderfully free people I know from our beautiful Journey IFC at Barton Springs Pool (along with a host of colorful, hot people splashing about in the emerald murk), and a man who has been both lover and friend (sometimes both) off and on for almost four years. All of these extraordinary individuals confirmed (affirmed?) the importance of freedom. They aren't waving flags, but they aren't anti-American, either. They are all artists, though, who remind me of the divine perfection that is brought forth through our cooperation with God. Through my specific cooperation--something I find ways to avoid sometimes.

Their unified message? Get out into the doing. Don't think too much (something I have trouble with). God works through me when I don't listen to the "form over substance" folks. I know my friends are right; when I close my eyes and let my heart speak, colors and shapes form that I haven't brought into the world yet, stories that need telling present themselves. My shaking hand is guided (albeit jerkily) toward communion with Christ, humble and tangible and holy as cedar wood. When I allow my "self" to dissolve into this truth, my agenda disappears, my divided self is healed, my comparison to others and its accompanying vanity or deprecation dissipates, and I am literally unbound from my humanness. So why don't I opt for that most of the time? I belive it is because I worry that if I do too much of that "artsy" stuff, I'll lose sight of the mortgage payments and the showing up on time, prepared, to teach my classes. But immediately another argument surfaces: would I not be a better instrument of God if I were open to Him in other ways? If I were truly willing, truly serious, about His taking over my life?

I have no defense, and Christ sits on the table, swinging his leg, smiling in wait for my answer.