Father's Day

I hear a lawnmower outside my window. I don't have any female neighbors who cut the grass, and all my neighbors have children (home or grown), so I'm guessing it's a dad out there doing it. It is part of the dad tradition, right? (When there is one in the house; my fifteen year old son and I do the lawn together, and I really like that arrangement).

What else is a dad tradition? Spending time with your children, the people who make you a dad? My ex husband decided it was okay not to see his sons today. It is just another day to him. I asked my fifteen year old about it; he admitted it bothered him a little, but that he'd see him tomorrow, so it wasn't a big deal. But I wonder, when his dad said in front of him that it was just another day and he didn't want to see them, how Isaac felt. I felt weird, and I can't stand being around their dad for very long.

I'm about to call my own father, hoping he is still sober (if I wait until six p.m., he probably won't be). I have forgiven him for the ways in which I have judged him a poor father, felt gratitude for the things he excelled in, and am trying to let go of the rest that I can't reconcile. God asked that we honor our fathers and mothers; absent is the "you're off the hook if they aren't good parents" clause in that request. I admit I have not honored my parents well. My resentment and anger toward them for serious abuse and neglect has lasted my entire life. But I change nothing by carrying that around; there is no moment belonging to my upbringing that is the least bit affected by my energy directed toward it. What can be done, now, is that I can parole them both; I can let them go and release all the stuff I haven't been able to reconcile, as it isn't mine and never was. My father constantly apologizes and justifies his past actions when I see him; he is amazed that I've turned out as well as I have. He can't stand it when I say, "It's all God," because he (a cradle Catholic) decided a few years ago that God is a crutch. He's decided fear is the better thing to believe in and has given his life over to it. I am sorry about that; I love my dad and enjoy our conversations now because he has accepted me as a "liberal." He even accepted my gay cousin and cried in awe when Barack Obama, a black man, was elected president. I hate seeing him afraid, telling me constantly about the worrisome things happening around the world, especially conspiracies. I am grateful I can now distance myself and seek understanding instead of becoming frustrated with his zealous attempts to convert me to his way of thinking.

So I need to grow a little more today, opening my mind and heart to this man who did his best. Isn't that all any of us can do in our shriveled, warped little ways? God bless those who are open, even those who had to be broken open. Like me.