Faith

There's a groove that I get into, right or wrong, that leads me through the days of work and decisions and money problems and relationship issues so I can manage them, not so I can necessarily feel or understand them. I depend on this groove to keep my feet on the ground, so to speak, even if the ground is too soft to stand my weight for long. Things must keep moving. Perhaps the insupportability of my weight is partly what demands the forward motion.

Recently I realized that my parents are simply people I'm concerned about, not a pair of interested parties. The quilt my mom and I worked on for my bed will never see completion. Their system of addiction works for them; they acknowledge this functionality, and are fine with my objection to it. I am simply a small obstacle to their general groove. At first I was hurt by their choice of lifestyle over relationship. I now understand that to get to acceptance, I had to see how my groove and their groove aren't that different. I had to see them as they truly are: addicts, just trying to keep the balls in the air. I cannot condemn them for doing what best serves the working system, but I can choose to abstain from exposure to the system.

I can become as they are, or choose to maintain my freedom. The more difficult path is definitely the latter, but it is one I commit myself to again. Seeing anything binding as critical to my selfhood, as my parents view their addictions, is toxic. It seems, instead, that looking outward from the self into the doing of life is where the grace to stay free lies.