What seems to need to die are my plans, laid out of concern about what "they" will have to say about me if I am just me. The things I make more important than listening to and playing with my kids and my students. The agenda that dictates how much time and how much money is allotted to this and that. But I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to be that radically open and still actively give, still work with some intention. I need help. I need the hand of someone stronger than death to walk me through it. And he showed up again today.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
So it's Easter and I am supposed to feel joyful, but my ex husband has my boys and all my friends are going through something difficult and I'm still dirt covered and smell like an armpit, wandering out in the desert. I know I can't go home until I'm open enough to receive. And I know that openness isn't coming because I have work to do, and I'm naturally lazy, and keep thinking if I just do it this way, things will work out differently. And they don't. I keep trying to find meaning in the superficial, and it just isn't there. I can gratify myself temporarily, but the consequence is always emptiness, like I just wasted what I didn't realize had value on something stupid and useless. I look down at my hands and see only lines going nowhere.
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6 comments:
Hello Ms. Iskra,
I hope your week is going well and is filled with all sorts of delightful surprises =]
1. How often do you write? When you do, what are your purposes?
I seem to write more in different parts of the year. At the beginning of each school year my writing seems to become nearly absent as I become busy and get into a routine. Around Christmas time things perk up, and I might write some poetry. Winter passes with a few thoughtful essays or rants. Once spring kicks in, poetry starts flowing like crazy and some short stories are inspired. Things fall out a bit more in summer as well; more songs are written in this time. My purposes are generally just a strong urge to write, and to express any specific joy or frustration I'm feeling. This year, because of my creative writing class and English OPs, I've written more than ever.
2. What is your attitude toward writing? Do you ever do it because you want to?
I love to write, but I'm very picky. If I don't feel a strong enough feeling about something, chances are I won't sit down to write about it. If I'm made to, my words usually come out dry like sawdust, and I generally try to write something later to make up for such a bad attempt. Sometimes late at night, however, I'll scribble away and be very happy with what I go back and read in the morning. I enjoy the challenge of scholastic essays as well, but I prefer specific prompts over broad.
3. When you do write, how satisfied are you with what you are able to express (usually, often, sometimes, not usually, never)? What, do you think, contributes to your level of satisfaction?
When I'm writing for school, I usually feel moderate about what I write. This might be because I feel that others' (teachers) opinions on it matter more. When I write for the joy of it, I take a more personal satisfaction in it. I think this is because I've been able to successfully put my feelings/opinions on paper, and no longer have to only carry them inside me.
4. How concerned are you with others reading your writing (very, somewhat, not really, not at all)?
It all depends on what I write of course, but I generally don't mind others reading my work. If it's something I've worked on and polished, and said how I truly feel, I enjoy sharing it with others if I feel they actually want to hear it.
5. If you considered yourself a good writer, would you write more?
Perhaps; I don't have a low opinion of my writing unless I've been reading C.S.Lewis or Francine Rivers. Then I wonder why I should write when my thoughts seem so unoriginal in comparison. Other authors, however, encourage me. If I considered myself a truly good writer, I'd definitely make an effort to write quite a bit more often.
6. If you had an opportunity to improve your writing, what specifically would you request help with?
I would ask for perseverance in finishing a project. In stories, I lose steam soon after the beginning, and in poetry, if I don't get it right the first time, I often give up.
7. What advice about teaching would you give someone trying to help you learn?
Be patient. Many times I don't like asking for help because I feel like I'm wasting the other person's time.
If you want to say anything else that might be helpful, please include that in your comment.
Thank you, Ms. Iskra for all you've done for your students! It is so obvious how much you genuinely care, and I can't express enough how much that means to us.
I had a bit of free time between not doing homework and doing nothing, so I decided it would be nice to contribute.
1. How often do you write? When you do, what are your purposes?
Unfortunately, I do not write now as much as I used to. When I first started writing (back when my shoes lit up with every step) I would write short stories and little rhymes, whatever suited my fancy. As I began to mature (in both age and writing style) I wrote a journal that effectively turned me off of public writing due to the lack of an intelligent forum for anything I wrote. I have found my voice again, or so I think, and have begun to write small snippets of poetry and short stories that find there homes either in your class or buried somewhere in the My Documents folder on my hard drive. As we approach the AP test, though, most of my writing time is being devoted to mastering the analytical analysis of novels and other various works. I still find time, though, to write for my own amusement.
2. What is your attitude toward writing? Do you ever do it because you want to?
I love to write, I really do. Unfortunately, I have what I like to call the "AP Block"; there is not a thing that I write that is ever good enough. This has been the case since my freshman year, and I have been trying to work through it, accepting what I write from time to time. However, if I find myself with nothing to do, I generally write short poems or reviews of video games, music, movies, books, a strange spot on the driveway, and so on.
3. When you do write, how satisfied are you with what you are able to express (usually, often, sometimes, not usually, never)? What, do you think, contributes to your level of satisfaction?
Not usually. As I mentioned before, I will never accept the first two writings of ANYTHING as acceptable for anyone else to read. More often than not, I will write my OPs a good three or four times before I have someone take a look at it just to see if it sounds coherent (the night before it's due). To be honest, I have no idea what contributes to it, other than the fact that I am somewhat of a perfectionist when it comes to public displays of "artistic ability", just because I am so afraid of what other people will think of what I write. That, I believe, is why most people fear to write. It is sad, really.
4. How concerned are you with others reading your writing (very, somewhat, not really, not at all)?
I seem to answer each question in the previous question. I suppose I am somewhat concerned with what others think about my writing, but that is a huge, spread-eagle flying leap from my sophomore year, where I would turn white and pale at the suggestion that I express an opinion on a chunk of text. No matter how many people compliment me on my writing, I will always remember the one voice (that inevitably shows up when you least desire it) that says that it is mediocre, or even bad .
5. If you considered yourself a good writer, would you write more?
Absolutely. Writing is an outlet for the soul, just as much as playing an instrument or painting a picture, and I believe that while it is therapeutic now, if I were a good writer, I would be able to help others with my writing. I believe that is the next step in writing, when you begin to not only write for yourself but also write for others.
6. If you had an opportunity to improve your writing, what specifically would you request help with?
Developing my own style. I know that it takes time and effort to develop one's particular writing style, but I cannot help but feel that I am just throwing out rhetoric in no particular fashion. Well, that, and my introductions for analytical essays.
7. What advice about teaching would you give someone trying to help you learn?
After debating the question for some time, all I can present to you is a resounding "hm". My initial instincts are to explain everything thoroughly, so as to make sure the student knows exactly what it is that he or she is learning, but a little voice in the back of my mind is kicking me, telling me to make them think. I suppose that would be the right answer, if there was such a thing. A good teacher can make sure the student can repeat exactly what it is that he or she is supposed to do, down to the letter, and then go do it. A great teacher will provoke thought in the student, making him or her think through obstacles and find new solutions to problems without being told how it should be done. This is what expository writing is: finding solutions on your own to any number of questions presented from an infinitely growing number of literary works. If the student cannot think for themselves, then they are doomed to run around like lemmings, repeating the same mistakes in their writing and in the real world.
If you want to say anything else that might be helpful, please include that in your comment.
Well, Ms. Iskra, I must say that out of all the teachers I have had only you have actually made me think . No disrespect to Mr. Doyle or Ms. Rose, but as great of teachers as they are, they never really coaxed me from my AP Block Bubble like you have, I think that this is in part due to the OPs and to the many analytical papers that we are doing in preparation for the AP test. It is liberating to know that my writing will be accepted in the open literary forum that is our classroom. I am disappointed, knowing that you will be leaving Cedar Park High School once you acquire your doctorate, mainly due to the fact that my sister will not have you as an English IV teacher. However, I know that what you are doing is what is best for you, your family, and for the writing community as a whole.
I hope my random spattering of words have helped you in some way, shape, or form for your research. See you tomorrow.
1. How often do you write? When you do, what are your purposes?
I write every couple of days or when i get a really good answer to a question in my head, and i want to remember it for later. this usually happens in the morning, while when i write to journal, i catalog the days to help me think of my thoughts one at a time (like the Pensieve in Harry Potter)
2. What is your attitude toward writing? Do you ever do it because you want to?
Yeah. i dont really write to create something beautiful. people think because im a decent artist and i like to write that its another outlet to create, but thats not the case. i just want to figure out something usually. like "showing your work" in a math problem, it just gets me toward (sometimes) answers that i seek.
3. When you do write, how satisfied are you with what you are able to express (usually, often, sometimes, not usually, never)? What, do you think, contributes to your level of satisfaction?
i write much more articulately than i speak so in general im pretty satisfied with my writing because i can often more clearly express my ideas and analysis on paper than when they just float around in my head. by writing, i have the power to infinitely revise to clearly portray my meaning. with words, i only get one shot...
4. How concerned are you with others reading your writing (very, somewhat, not really, not at all)?
it very much depends. i love it when people read my writing usually because like i said earlier, i can more clearly communicate (so i think) to my audience through writing. i also usually want feedback. there are times when i dont want a reader just because so often my thoughts and problems are so deeply and personally ingrained in me that "work" i "show" on paper really would hurt if i knew others would see it. its the equivalent of someone finding out a secret. i think its just human nature to want some things solely for yourself
5. If you considered yourself a good writer, would you write more?
maybe. for me writing takes a lot of time and especially a large psychological commitment which i cant always afford. if i thought it were imperative, i probably would resent doing it more. when i feel free, its easier to write, not necessarily because of my skill level
6. If you had an opportunity to improve your writing, what specifically would you request help with?
being more succinct. ;)
7. What advice about teaching would you give someone trying to help you learn?
i would have them be less imperial and more encouraging. knowledge breeds when contempt falters
ms iskra, i was thinking about your research, and i came up with what happens to me almost every day.
ive noticed this happens to me frequently, but somehow, i feel helpless to stop it. i have this inner commentary of life, as if im narrating my own biography and while i search for answers subconsciously, i have subtle "ah-ha" moments. well, when i finally get to a pencil and pad i realize my tiny "ah-ha" somehow lost its pow, and i begin to write about something else, or i forgot how my mind phrased it earlier, or i completely forgot about this "ah-ha"
i know that was confusing, but what im trying to say that is the fact that as we write, we concentrate on the words we write instead of the streams of intellectual thought. we subconsciously simplify and edit what were once interesting and insightful takes on life.
to me, bits of emotion and phrases of explanations pulse through my mind but holding on to them is so difficult because of the inability to recreate the "womb" of my small brainchildren. writing means looking back or forward, but its when as you write that your thoughts freely circulate through your minds eye and you can capture them at your leisure.
just a thought...
I feel the need to open this comment with a handshake...it only seems natural haha.
1. How often do you write? When you do, what are your purposes?
I would say, on my own accord, I write weekly-ish. Most of my writing is in small blurbs of thought that I use as an outlet for all those troublesome/confusing/interesting/exciting little thoughts that enter my head and cloud my ability to think straight. It's mainly a way for me to get down all my epiphanies, social commentaries, and personal criticisms and sort it all out. I have a tendency to think of my life in short little comical stories so often my writing reflects that style. Also, I like to have a way to look back on all the mind set changes I've gone through.
2. What is your attitude toward writing? Do you ever do it because you want to?
Writing (when i choose to) is a relief. It's a place where I can spill out what I think and don't have to worry how others might respond to it. Writing for academic purposes, however, is more of a frustration due to two polar opposite problems. If it's something that I feel knowledgeable about or is a subject i feel passionate about, phrases or wordings come to me and I'm able to spit those out fairly easily, however I'm then left with a listing of great ideas all going in different directions and no way to confine them into one cohesive entity. Essay forms kind of become caging and constricting in a sense. If it's something more forced upon me, I tend to feel like im grasping at straws never quite reaching that last conclusion which creates much frustration.
3. When you do write, how satisfied are you with what you are able to express (usually, often, sometimes, not usually, never)? What, do you think, contributes to your level of satisfaction?
Satisfaction is usually directly related to how well what's on the paper reflects what's in my mind. If I can hear my own voice when I read it and it makes sense, it's good. Such an occurance i would say occurs sometimes leaning on often.
4. How concerned are you with others reading your writing (very, somewhat, not really, not at all)?
I'm not too terribly self conscious of my thoughts so I would go with "not at all"
Plus, with writing, I can say what I mean to say without facing a person directly if I do worry about peoples' opinions.
5. If you considered yourself a good writer, would you write more?
I suppose so, but isn't that just human nature? It feels good to put out what I know is good (especially if others appreciate it).
6. If you had an opportunity to improve your writing, what specifically would you request help with?
How on earth do you get to that final golden conclusion?! I'm sure that's one of those things that's just not taught but discovered, so perhaps I need to be asking how one goes about discovering it. Perhaps it bears resemblence to mining for gold haha.
7. What advice about teaching would you give someone trying to help you learn?
Lead me but do not tell me. I find most of the time that I'm not searching for the right words, I'm searching for the right thought process (I don't feel the way in which I go about thinking about literature has quite made it to where it should be and that may be due to too many "this is what"'s as opposed to "this is how"'s)
I hope this helps! :D
1. How often do you write? When you do, what are your purposes?
I write almost everyday, which is still not as much as I would like to. Ideally, I'd write all the time, whenever the perfect idea strikes. I like being able to catologe my life, whether it be in a paper journal or online, and be able to see how I develop over time. I also write because it releases all my tension. It helps me deal with a lot of the darkness in my life that I don't want to talk to others about. It seems to go hand-in-hand with meditation.
2. What is your attitude toward writing? Do you ever do it because you want to?
I love to write. It's my outlet and such. It doesn't matter if it's perfect, just as long as it's mine. I constantly write "just because I want to", but quite often my best work comes from those "because I have to" moments. When I'm releasing emotion, some of my best work comes out.
3. When you do write, how satisfied are you with what you are able to express (usually, often, sometimes, not usually, never)? What, do you think, contributes to your level of satisfaction?
I find it very difficult to write exactly what I can say. But at the same time, I write things that I could never think of saying. There's some sort of amazing meaning that emerges from the written word. Then there's the added bonus of being able to edit what you write. How embarassing would it to talk about "headbanding" at a concert when you mean headbanging (the two words I get the most mixed up in writing). And if I initally write something I don't like, I can always change it.
As far as what contributes to my satisfaction, as long as I get into what I call my deep-writing trance, I'm statisfied. I hit that trance when I lost touch with everything else and fully emerse in the here-and-now of writing.
4. How concerned are you with others reading your writing (very, somewhat, not really, not at all)?
I'm rather iffy on people reading my writing. Since I write to release emotions, my writing often contains rather sensative materials. Since I do have some confidence issues, I don't like others reading that. This writing is something that I have which is solely mine.
However, in some cases it makes me feel better to let someone read my writing. I feel that people really get to know me through my writing.
5. If you considered yourself a good writer, would you write more?
That's assuming that I don't consider myself a good writer. Unfortunetely for this question, I do consider myself a good writer for what I need to do. I write (mostly) solely for myself, and since I am completely satisfied with the end result, I consider myself a good writer.
As far as formal writing prompts go, I hope I never become a good enough writer to feel the need to write more of those.
6. If you had an opportunity to improve your writing, what specifically would you request help with?
I need to learn how to get out exactly what is in my head. Things get confused somewhere between my brain and the paper.
7. What advice about teaching would you give someone trying to help you learn?
Explain it in multiple ways. One way won't nessecarily be better than another per say, but multiple exposures to the same thing seem to work.
Plus, I need to be encouraged to vent about these things. I often forget that that's were some of my best ideas come out.
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