Sunday, April 27, 2008
Waking Up
I have been especially grumpy lately. Mad at myself for not being and doing what I think I should be being and doing. Cutting myself off from all the beautiful people I share my life with. How dumb is that? The more stressed I get about being stressed, the uglier I become. So this weekend, I took time to "take care of business," as my friend, Lynn, says. It felt very good. It felt very God. And because I did things to address, to face, what needed dealing with, I was able to live this weekend - to truly feel, to truly be present, to truly listen, to begin a painting for someone's birthday, to show appreciation for a beautiful man who gives love so freely I am dumbfounded by it, especially because he wants to give it to me... Sometimes it takes shutting up and dealing with it to get to a point where life makes sense again. And I realize again that I don't know anything, really. I cannot say there is anything more out there better than what I've got right now. I can't even appreciate what I've got, which is a lot. And I have a lot to learn. I don't understand why I've been given the chance to do it, but I don't want to waste it. I've grown tired of swimming around in the same place. I'm ready to move on, but I know I have to finish dealing with what's here before that will happen. I need help to see the beauty in right now. Don't we all?
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i ran into a realization about beauty recently.
as i walked across the park one day i stared mindlessly ahead of myself, when, waking from my reverie, i relocated my gaze to the earthy patches on which my feet stepped. it was so rhythmic to my own eyes to watch my own feet carry me to my next destination: home. my mind wandered freely with the monotonous crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch motoring it on. well i began to be conscious of my feet and the features of the ground and startled myself with my own repugnant reaction to the sudden clarity. "ugh"
my shoes were muddy. small, annoying and seemingly insignificant insects hovered inches above the grassy weeds. said weeds were course, drab-- their modest flowers mingled distastefully with the clovers. each step i took seemed to squash out any of the beauty there may have been in the sight.
i raised my eyes. ahead of me was a beautiful field: lush green dotted with yellow and purple and blue while flying specks floated lazily above it. i was surrounded in a dizzyingly romantic landscape.
what was the difference between the field underneath my feet and the same field a few yards ahead? my perspective. many things are beautiful at a distance, in a quick glance, in a short-minded perspective. it is when you get close that you can begin to understand. beauty is the thing that lets us get curious and gives our mind the opportunity to accept reality. we more easily forgive beautiful things for their flaws (as we discover them) which allows us to stay long enough to understand them. generalizing things in life is easy; discerning, analyzing, picking apart, and discovering truth is difficult and often, ugly.
which may be why great minds are rarely happy. it is so easy for them to see the beauty in everything because they understand the fragility that beauty stands for...
just throwing that out there
hey ms iskra, did you like my use of asyndeton and polysyndeton? :D
1. How often do you write? When you do, what are your purposes?
I write for english class several times a week, and occasionaly, (like once a month)I write in my journal.
2. What is your attitude toward writing? Do you ever do it because you want to?
I like it sometimes when the words just come out right, and other times I just get frustrated because I pictured the words on the page differently. I write when I want to only when I have time or if I have something I really want to record in my journal.
3. When you do write, how satisfied are you with what you are able to express (usually, often, sometimes, not usually, never)? What, do you think, contributes to your level of satisfaction?
Sometimes. I hold myself to a higher standard than most of the people who read my writing. I guess this is a good thing because it means I am always trying to improve my writing.
4. How concerned are you with others reading your writing (very, somewhat, not really, not at all)?
I like to know other people's opinion of my writing, but sometimes reviewers try to only see my writing in a negative light. This makes me feel downhearted and not want to write. I have certain people I like to have read my writing because they have constructive criticism or know me well enough to say what they think.
5. If you considered yourself a good writer, would you write more?
Probably. I have ideas written down and some started, but when I come back to them I don't like how I wrote before and stop.
6. If you had an opportunity to improve your writing, what specifically would you request help with?
I oversimplify or complicate my writing usually. I cannot find the happy medium between them.
7. What advice about teaching would you give someone trying to help you learn?
I personally am amazed by english teachers because I don't know where to start helping someone write. The best I come to understanding teaching writing is teaching swim lessons. I don't really know what to teach the kids until I know their abilities, and then I slowly improve their swimming. I cannot ask a 6 and under to straight up swim a 50 free and expect them to make it much further than half way without starting to sink from exhaustion.
I the advice I would give is to allow the student to write their own words before helping them make corrections.
If you want to say anything else that might be helpful, please include that in your comment.
Ms. Iskra your the best! Even though your past few weeks have been rough, we are still excited to come to your class.
1. How often do you write? i usually write when I feel inspired to either by something that's happened to me or by an idea that comes into my head.
When you do, what are your purposes? Most of the time i write for school.
2. What is your attitude toward writing? i don't really like writing because i know i have great ideas floating around in my head but I can never seem to get them out on the page a well formed as they are in my head.
Do you ever do it because you want to? not as often as i would like to.
3. When you do write, how satisfied are you with what you are able to express (usually, often, sometimes, not usually, never)? sometimes
What, do you think, contributes to your level of satisfaction? Being able to actually express my ideas and thoughts fully, which rarely happen, and having the freedom to be creative and not to be hindered by ridged techniques and formulas that i have to follow
4. How concerned are you with others reading your writing (very, somewhat, not really, not at all)?
I don't really like people reading my writing mainly because I think it's not as good as it can be.
5. If you considered yourself a good writer, would you write more?
definitely
6. If you had an opportunity to improve your writing, what specifically would you request help with? getting all of my ideas and thoughts on paper as much as possible and getting them to flow together.
7. What advice about teaching would you give someone trying to help you learn? don't make me write a bunch of papers that will pressure me into to doing well because then I just will flat out not do them.
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